Kworb's average, boring blog. In it you will find random rants, things from the web, things from real life, poetry and other art. So it's not really unique or anything.
Been spending so much time underground
I guess my eyes adjusted
To the lack of light
I got covered in darkness
Hibernating, always waiting for something new
Happiness always ending
In the blink of an eye
There was no one attending
I take the bus to go to work. The awkward thing is that there are rarely more than three passengers in it; sometimes I am the only one. I know that's no reason to complain, as it is much worse when the bus is filled to the brink and you have to stand, but really it's quite peculiar when the bus driver basically becomes my personal chauffeur. I hope they don't get rid of this bus though, it's so convenient. Without it my travel time would more than double (unless I'd get my license and a car, but yeah, not gonna happen).
On the way from the office to the bus stop, there's this little path surrounded by trees and bushes that is always crawling with slugs. It's really quite disgusting. I have to carefully avoid both them and their fallen comrades as I make my way to the bus. Why are there so many in one place? Is there like a slug hive where they all gather?
Look at this cool ghost slug that was recently discovered in Wales. It eats earthworms!
King.com winnings are at €4200. Not bad! All you have to do is lots of this.
In case you're wondering whether my adventure outside of the Netherlands went well, I can assure you that I've survived and will gladly go and do it again the coming winter. It's actually kind of amusing to see all the reactions you get when you ask strangers to hop onto a scale. Although sometimes it's frustrating, like when they say they have no time at all and then spend the next hour sitting around at the gate. But you know, there was no one who got particularly hostile so that was good.
In the end I went to three airports, first London Gatwick, then Amsterdam Schiphol, and finally Frankfurt to fill in for someone else. London Gatwick was probably my favorite. The temporary staff were all very nice people and we got along well. The airport itself is a bit old and dirty (especially compared to modern Schiphol) but it has its charms. I surprised myself by approaching the passengers with ease; I really thought I would break down at some point, but it's really no big deal at all. My only problem was that I had trouble being polite. When I couldn't understand what someone was saying, I would be like "what?" instead of "I beg your pardon" or "excuse me?" We also had to ask how old people were, which wasn't always appreciated. Women would often accuse me of being "cheeky". :P
Schiphol was less fun because I got a really bad cold after London (which I'm still not completely rid of, after two months!!) I couldn't approach any passengers in my condition so all I did was data entry, and helping the staff look up flights and airport/airline codes. There was also no feeling of adventure, because at the end of the (long) day (we worked from 7 AM till 7 PM) I went back home rather than to a hotel. Boring! The best thing about Schiphol were the iris scans that were everywhere whenever we needed to pass security. So cool!!!
Frankfurt was the worst, but thankfully it was only two days. First of all, I am not fond of the German language, and to hear nothing but German for two days was torture in itself. My inability to carry a conversation in German also meant that I was quite useless again. Lastly, security was a pain at Frankfurt, and it took ages to move all our stuff airside. We were even forced to use their crappy trolleys to move our heavy weighing scales. It sucked!!! I was so happy on my flight back home.
Speaking of flights, I had forgotten just how awesome it is to fly!! The first flight to London was like a rollercoaster ride. :P I felt like such a kid. When the plane ascends above the clouds, it's sooo beautiful. For frequent flyers it must get dull pretty quickly, but I thoroughly enjoyed all four of my flights.
Anyway, that's about it regarding this project. As I said before, I will go and do it again in January and Feburary, so we'll see how it goes then. As for the subject I always seem to be avoiding, my thesis, there has been little progress. I'm desperate to finish it, but apparently not desperate enough. Think about it, instead of writing this post I could've written a paragraph or two! Why am I so lame!
Doom scenarios are starting to creep into my thoughts... this usually happens when I'm on the verge of doing something that for me is completely new and unknown. It's only five days in London... I'll be fine, I hope!
Well, next week I'll be on a plane to London! I'm going to weigh passengers and baggage at London Gatwick together with a colleague and some temporary staff. This time it won't be cancelled, so let's hope everything goes alright.
It'll be my first time in the UK, which is a little strange considering it's so close to the Netherlands. But on the other hand, the UK is an ugly country and I probably would never visit it if it weren't for my job.
Mother Nature's daughter is every stone upon the ground Every oil spill in the ocean, every rainforest cut down Her thoughts are like religions in syncretic disarray And she is all alone now that her mother's passed away
She's a special kind of stupid, by no one recognized Her body is deformed and her forehead's oversized Her skin is made of plastic and her hair is made of dirt Cause pregnant mommy drugged herself to get over the hurt
She's the discomforting image out of the corner of your eye You cannot help but stare when such a creature waddles by Most greet the drooling nuisance with indifferent dismay While the few who are more daring go and spit into her face
What a bitch, yeah what a retard, the people loudly chant She should be euthanized or maybe put into a camp They don't realize this crippled girl, her filthy looks, her smells Are the space that they survive in, a reflection of themselves
Mother Nature's daughter is in the eyes of every slave She's every parent's ego, every child that misbehaves She's a feeble incarnation of all human poverties The world's most unknown orphan hoping to one day rest in peace
I ended up not going to Madrid because we had to leave on Thursday instead of Friday and that conflicted with a course I had to attend. When I heard this, I was both relieved and disappointed.
The passenger weighing project is becoming quite a pain in the ass. Nothing is going according to plan. I blame bureaucracy!
Anyway, from the looks of it I will still be going to different European airports in the summer. But it will be mid-July at the earliest.
Well, the first trip is officially planned. I'm going to Madrid next week (with a colleague), for a meeting with Madrid Barajas airport. We're leaving very early on Friday and the flight home is Sunday morning; apparently it's cheaper if we stay a little longer. Gives us some time to see the city!
Of course, my affinity with cultural things is limited to pop music and TV shows, so I don't even know what we can do in Madrid, but apparently there's a museum there (Prada, Prado, whatever) that my colleague wants to see so that's something. I should probably also bring a laptop so I can work on my thesis while I'm there.
So yeah, I'm excited and scared. It's only two nights, but still. I can't remember the last time I spent the night outside of my home, let alone another country. But you know, in essence I'm getting paid to be a tourist in Madrid, so I'd say the good far outweighs the bad.
So the first weighing session at the airports is planned June 24-27 in Athens, and we are hoping to fly from Athens to London to weigh there immediately after. Unfortunately, June 27th (Friday) is Loreena McKennitt's first concert of her new tour which I am anxiously anticipating and have bought tickets to. Obviously I would much rather stay at home and go see Loreena, so hopefully I won't be in Greece at the time.
Also, I'm seeing Nelly Furtado the week after (July 4th), so I'm unavailable then as well. And I have an exam the 8th. ...Maybe signing up for this project wasn't such a good idea after all. It's jeopardizing the few things I undertake outside the comfort of my home!
Ahhh my social anxiety disorder is messing with me. I'm supposed to call up all these airports and arrange meetings with them and go to them and talk to the managers and decide things and take responsibility and I'm sooo scared!! I was supposed to just tag along in the summer when we visit these airports to weigh passengers and baggage, but now that the project manager is going on vacation for a month she wants me to take over some of the planning. As if I'm fit to do such a socially demanding thing!! I get so nervous that I can't form words. But she said "it'll be okay"... right!!! Aaaaaaaahhh! Talking to people is one thing, but this is so drastic. x_x Help meeeee
- I've been hired by NEA and will start my regular job on January 14th - I wanted to finish my thesis in the three weeks I had off but I find it extremely difficult to motivate myself, and the days go by so quickly :( - It's really hard these days to find a course that doesn't require you to write any essays or do any group assignments... Just a few more credits, that's all I need :( - Total king.com winnings are at €2700 - Going to see Tegan and Sara in concert in March with my brother - The writers' strike sucks ass
Aww, I was so close to my first Royal Cup quarter final on king.com. Kinda sucks though that losing your concentration for a second can be the difference between €0 and €60! At least my total winnings for that Royal Cup entry still exceeded €100. :P
Even though we have a really cheap instant coffee machine here at work, the cappuccino with an extra shot of espresso tastes really good. It gets me through the days. :P
Things have kinda been up and down for me. I still worry too much about the future. But not really about specific things like I used in the past, more like the general picture. I'm almost 23 and still don't have an idea of what I want to accomplish in life. I know that's normal, but somehow I feel like my time is running out. I have to start living for something now or I will have nothing but regrets when I'm older.
Then again, what's there to regret if there is nothing that interests me? I only ever see the negative side of things and that is my motivation to never do anything. When I do "take a chance", so to say, the negative things always come true like I expect them to. But that could just be a self-fulfilling prophecy. A vicious circle. Expect things to suck --> things actually do suck --> continue to believe things will suck. Blah.
I really don't know the solution to my problems. My friend tells me I should force myself to be more social and find people to build relationships with because that's the only way to truly experience life. This would be fine if I actually enjoyed being around other people. Of course, that raises the question, why is it that I don't like other people?
I've always believed that it's because I find it very difficult to care about what happens in other people's lives. There isn't much that interests me so when people talk to me about something random, chances are I don't really care at all, and then I get bored and annoyed. This is much worse in group situations when I am not expected to say anything; then I simply don't, because I feel like I can't add anything of substance to the conversation (even if everyone else is rambling just as uselessly). Another thing is that I'm never in the mood to do anything (the self-fulfilling prophecy bit I talked about earlier). People have to drag me to places, and only rarely do I find myself enjoying my time more than if I were just wasting it behind a computer screen. That means that any friendships I've had (if you can call them that) were maintained by the "other party". As soon as they stop calling or IMing or whatever, I don't pursue them. I just don't care enough.
Some would say that it is not the lack of empathy but more my own insecurities and lack of self esteem that stop me from pursuing real life contact. Honestly, I don't know if that's true. I think I'm a pretty cool person. Funny, intelligent, kinda weird. But also really nice and understanding, and I rarely get angry. I can see why people would want to hang out with me.
But the way I perceive it, is that I'm just weighing my options. Where do I feel most comfortable, what do I enjoy more? When I ask myself this, I always see myself living online, listening to music, watching TV shows, playing video games. But then, if that's what makes me happy, why am I still so bothered by my own uselessness and insignificance? If mindless entertainment is truly the most enjoyable way for me to live my life, why do I always feel like I should be doing something more important? Is it guilt that I am wasting my intelligence? A subconscious hunger to be more special? I wish I knew.
I sometimes spit when I talk. It's so annoying. I'm just casually talking and blam, I let loose a big spray of spit. Maybe that's why I don't like to face people directly when talking to them. But I just know that one day I will completely embarrass myself and cover someone's face in a torrent of saliva. So beware! Do not talk to me!
So yeah, Darren Hayes' new album "This Delicate Thing We've Made" is probably the best album I've heard since... well since his previous album, "The Tension And The Spark". TDTWM has 25 songs and I love them all. Seriously. 25 songs and not one filler track. And the more I listen to them, the better they get. Right now I'm addicted to "Neverland".. aren't these the most amazing lyrics ever?
Long ago when Mercury descended high on the moon Far below when little hands are making shapes in the room The shadows they dance and they cheer up this place
The face, then staring through a tiny crack in the door Eyes so wide he's never seen a woman fall on the floor I swear Daddy's killed her this time
Should I make a rocket? Should I try to fly away? Should I make a hammer? Should I try to smash his face? Should I make a bullet? Should I try to shoot the gun? I'm sure the judge will let me off real soon
Long ago when Saturn tried to find a way past the sun Deep inside a little boy is turning pain into fun The pencils, the crayons, the paint colors run
The plans are forming slowly made with scissors and glue Eyes so wide he's telling Mommy all the things he can do He'll sketch a contraption to save them for sure
He can draw an alien He can come and take them home He can draw a cartoon He can draw a safety hatch He can draw a hot bath He can plug a toaster in And wait 'til Daddy's nice and warm - toss it in
And then when he's gone there's a Neverland of fun
Take a loaded gun Take a shot of rum Take a poison rat There's a lesson in that No more closing fist No more face to hit No more bloody nose Or apologetic roses
Long ago when Mercury descended high on the moon (Should I make a rocket? Should I try to fly away?) Far below little hands are making shapes in the room (Should I make a hammer? Should I try to smash his face?)
Long ago when Saturn tried to find a way past the sun (Should I draw a cartoon? Should I draw an alien?) Deep inside a little boy is turning pain into fun (Should I draw a hot bath? Should I plug a toaster in?)
This autumn Loreena McKennitt will release her first live concert DVD, Loreena McKennitt: Nights From The Alhambra. The deluxe package (which includes one DVD and two audio CDs) will be released in the United States, France, Germany and the majority of other territories worldwide by August 21, 2007.
My Dutch is getting worse, it's embarrassing. At work I mostly communicate in English, on the Internet I'm mostly on English sites.. So I sometimes start thinking in English. But today I had to give a presentation in Dutch at the meeting with the other dual students, about the model I'm working on. It went alright (considering I hadn't prepared except for putting together some Powerpoint sheets in an hour) but a few times I couldn't think of simple Dutch words.. I was like, "uhh.. challenge?" and they were like "uitdaging!" It's so weird. Cause my English definitely isn't perfect, so now I feel linguistically inept. :(
I know Tay Zonday is the joke of the internet at the moment because of his song Chocolate Rain, but I gotta say I honestly like this guy's voice, it's very intriguing. I am totally addicted to his song "Love", it's awesome:
Ahh, "Robot Song" by Margaret Berger is the coolest song ever!! It's so sad, yet groovy.. kind of like "Rosa Pastel" by Belanova, except more futuristic and otherworldly.
I told my sisters that I met someone I told my mother that I've fallen in love I couldn't tell my dad, it's best I don't I couldn't tell my dad, he shouldn't know
They wouldn't understand, what you're really like They wouldn't understand, what this love's about They'd try to set me right, hold me back And then you can't be mine
You're the only one who makes me feel a thing You're the only one who, only one who makes me feel a thing You're the only one who, only one who makes me feel a thing (I'm in love with a robot, oh oh, oh oh) You're the only one who, only one who makes me feel a thing (Come to get me when the stars die, oh)
My heart belongs to you, it always will But they will ruin it, I know for sure So it has come to this, can't take the pain This is the end, end, end
You're the only one who makes me feel a thing You're the only one who, only one who makes me feel a thing You're the only one who, only one who makes me feel a thing (I'm in love with a robot, oh oh, oh oh) You're the only one who, only one who makes me feel a thing (Come to get me when the stars die, oh)
Another time, another place, another world Another time, another place, another world I'm in love with a robot Come to get me when the stars die
You're the only one who makes me feel a thing You're the only one who, only one who makes me feel a thing You're the only one who, only one who makes me feel a thing (I'm in love with a robot, oh oh, oh oh) You're the only one who, only one who makes me feel a thing (Come to get me when the stars die, oh)
Another time, another place, another time, another world Another time, another place, another world
Amazing, isn't it? The song is kinda like a duet, cause in the first two choruses it's actually a robot voice singing "you're the only one who makes me feel a thing". How did she come up with this stuff? And so sad that it's a forbidden romance and she has to end it... :( And she begs the robot to "come to get her when the stars die".. like when the world ends? omfg. Brilliance for sure.
You know what's harder than writing a thesis? Writing a thesis proposal! I was supposed to finish this last week, but somehow I'm having a lot of difficulty with it. Today I've just been staring at the Word file, adding and deleting sentences.. it's so dumb. It doesn't even matter if it's good or not. But still.. I hate sending in stuff to my coaches if it's low quality.
Anyway.. I bought a JBL On Stage Micro, a portable speaker that you plug your iPod into. It's sitting here on my desk at work, and I'm very pleased with it. The sound is very nice for such a small speaker, and this way I can listen to my own music without having earphones in. <3
The only problem is that I sometimes have trouble concentrating when listening to good music.. I just close my eyes and bop my head. Even when the music is really soft. Like just now, it played Ayumi's "Is This Love", and I was like headbanging and singing the one line I know, "itsukara anata ni konna ni hikarete ita no nante, imagoro kidzuita furi shite" \m/!!! I think no one saw, I hope not! I really have to be more careful.
Well, haven't blogged in quite a while. Just nothing interesting to tell, I guess. But I'm bored at work at the moment so I figured it wouldn't hurt to write a few lines.
Hmm, let's see. I still don't know what I want to do with my life. My brother is moving out next month which will bring the number of real life people I speak regularly down to one. I am in love with Rihanna's latest album. I'm waiting for my new computer to arrive. I'm looking forward to get into video editing using said computer. Ayumi Hamasaki's new song "Glitter" owns my life. I love Strawberry White Magnums. No. I love love them. As in, I need to eat at least one every day. I fantasize about being more active and riding around on my bike and shopping for new clothes and getting a haircut again but when I have a day off I sleep until 2 PM and then go online the rest of the day. I'm scared to go to bed ever since I discovered a silverfish underneath my pillow. Women's tennis is starting to get boring and I'm not even looking forward to Wimbledon. And I need to stop wasting time on blogs, forums and news sites and be more productive at work.
So yeah, hope that was enough of an update for you!
The Idol finale sucked. What a letdown. Jordin won of course.
But the worst part is that it's now over!! What will I do with my time? Maybe catch up with Lost, Grey's Anatomy, Jericho, ReGenesis, etc. Blah. Bring on season 7!!!
Literature review is the worst thing in the world. I enjoy fiddling with numbers, not reading page after page of text and trying to make some sense out of it. I'm really tired too so that's not helping. I already had three cups of coffee but it doesn't seem to do anything. The economic theory is just lulling me to sleep.
Oh well, it's part of it, I guess. No thesis is complete without thoroughly studying the available literature. But really, this is why I chose econometrics and not economics. Economics is so boring. All they do is write things like "assume the world is perfect, then so and so is correct, but since the world is not perfect, you won't see so and so in practice." Right, how helpful. Just quit your job now and contribute to a science that matters.
Anyway, the American Idol finale is this week, which is of course also on my mind. I don't think I have ever been this obsessed with a TV show before. I'm such an entertainment junkie. It's between Blake and Jordin, cause the flawless Melinda was shockingly eliminated last week. I love both of them, though Blake took longer to grow on me. I wasn't really a fan until I got hopelessly addicted to his "Love Song" studio recording from the top 10 week. But after his wicked performances of "You Give Love A Bad Name" and "You Should Be Dancing", I can honestly say he's my favorite contestant ever on an Idol show.
Jordin is amazing as well but a bit too inconsistent. She did have the most memorable performance of the season, when she did "I (Who Have Nothing)". She's also the favorite to win the whole thing. So it's gonna be an exciting finale!!
I already feel more awake thinking actively about AI. How sad is that? Anyway, I put together a montage of what the general public thinks are the best performances of the season. Enjoy!
This painting (White Center by Mark Rothko) was sold for $73 million a few days ago, a record auction price for any work of art made since World War 2.
Now, I love modern art and all, but I really don't understand what makes this painting a masterpiece. I don't feel anything when looking at it. Weird I guess.
The Eurovision song contest was today. Quality was pretty good, a bit higher than the previous years. Slovenia and Serbia were my favorites, and I'm glad one of them won (Serbia). But I'll also mention Ukraine, Lithuania, Bulgaria, Ireland and Georgia cause they were good as well. The shame of the contest was the UK and their terrible group. It was like a bad version of Steps (yes, I like Steps). I felt uncomfortable watching it... yuck!
So at the coffee machine they have these regular coffee cups for coffee and slightly bigger soup cups for soup. But I always use the soup cups for coffee, because the coffee cups are just too small and I burn my fingers when I use those. Am I normal or am I wasting the bigger cups?
As for king.com, my ratings are too high now at pretty much every game I'm good at, so I'm barely earning anything anymore. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted. Total winnings are around €1650 now. Isn't it great that you can earn so much money while having fun? It's even more than I'm planning to spend on my new computer. :P Still no clue where I'm going to buy it though or what to put in it. :(
Lame.. my coach isn't here today (he's in Brussels) but he didn't put it in his calendar thing on the intranet, so I had no idea. Now I'm not really sure what to do, so I guess blogging is a good option. It's not like I've been completely unproductive. I even keep a log of everything I do!
Today I messed around in Java some more, transforming all of the arrays into Vectors, so the model is not constrained by fixed array sizes. It works well, and it now seems to run the model in five seconds rather than six! Quite a victory indeed. I think it would've taken the average person at least a day to rewrite that code, so that's why I don't feel bad about this downtime. :P
In other news, I should e-mail my coach at the university because I have to set up a meeting with my two coaches and the coordinator of the dual program, but I'm kind of scared to e-mail him because I never got any outright confirmation that he is actually my coach. I just assumed it cause the two times I mentioned it in previous e-mails he never said "no". Part of me says I'm just worrying about nothing but somehow it's still eating at me.
Oh and yesterday I probably weirded out the two nicest people here when I told them about my addiction to the internet, lack of friends, etc. I really should keep those things to myself. :P But I can't help my awkwardness.
And soccer is the worst thing ever. During lunch my colleagues always talk about it!Why can't they like interesting things like jpop and other good music, American Idol, tennis, drama shows, cartoons, sci fi, Pokemon?? :( Even philosophical or ethical discussions about the meaning of life and death, wars in the world, religion, and so on are way more intriguing. But nooo, soccer is all that matters. It's disgusting. I wish that lame ass shit sport had never been invented.
